Dear Elementary School Teachers,

From my sickeningly extensive experience dealing with you, I have been compelled to conclude that a disgustingly high percentage of you spend a disgustingly high percentage of class time on group projects and art projects.  In other words, you are failing to teach the children necessary skills but rather are a mob of stupid, lazy-assed bitches who need killing.

Allow me to elucidate.  First, group projects.  To belabor the obvious, these are nothing but shams on your part to raise your pathetic class's average scores by allowing your lazy and stupid students to mooch off the smart ones.  If the smart ones complain, you dock their grades.  And they get beaten up some more at recess.  If you claim you're preparing them for group projects at work, you're either a liar or a fool.  Workplaces out of The Office are for your stupid and lazy students (and for you, you stupid, lazy-assed bitches), not for your smart students.  If they are taught properly, the only group projects they will have at work will be with other smart people, and they'll be doing things like curing cancer, not busy work so the boss's bosses will believe something is actually being accomplished.

There should be no group projects.  In fact if the smart kids were allowed to interact with their stupid and lazy classmates with baseball bats and shotguns and to treat you with all the respect stupid, lazy-assed bitches deserve, this country would find itself on a much better course.  But since that tain't never gonna happen, we can only hope that some small percentage of the toughest of them manages to acquire the elementary skills that every other student on this planet whose education reaches beyond a Mumbai sweatshop or a Congo goat pen expects.

Second, artsy-fartsy bullshit.  I have nothing against art classes, even though my graphic arts skills are roughly on the level of a spastic baboon.  My problem comes when substantive classes such as English, history, and geography become nothing but a procession of arts projects.  Drawing a picture for a book report instead of writing it out.  Making a diorama of the Gettysburg Address.  Drawing state license plates (although this admittedly might be good vocational training for the students who are heading for prison).   Frankly, people, this is all bullshit, and we know what you're doing: dodging teaching real substance and grading real work.

You actually expect to get a salary, benefits, and a pension for this?